Standing still.

My hands keep getting stuck. I can't find the words for what I am feeling right now. No name for my state of mind. I want to say so much, but nothing comes out. How do I convey what I want to say without sounding crazy at the same time? I can't----it's not possible.

Of course I have blamed myself, my body, and everything that you could possibly fathom. Yesterday I had an ultrasound 1 week post D&C. The RE said that everything looked "perfect". Coming out of the same mouth that I'd heard so many times before, it didn't sound the same. He commented on my lining and I assure you---this time felt different. How can everything LOOK so good and yet go so wrong? I've tried to replay that moment in my mind over and I just can't seem to bring myself to see any true answer why.

My status right now is at a stand still. No answer as to where we go from here until the testing comes back on the fetus. I hope my IPs get answers through this testing. The RE also ordered additional testing on me. One test had to do with clotting (anti-coagulant), while the other had something to do with Lupus. Through research, I saw that one of the symptoms of Lupus was spontaneous abortions. I will worry myself sick if I try to read everything on this disease. I just pray it is not the case with me.

Oh well-----time will pass and soon we will know SOMETHING.......As of now....we are at a stand still.

My 5 Stages of Grief & the D&C update

On Monday (Aug 20) when I went in for the ultrasound, I remember saying a little prayer in the elevator. "Please Dear Lord let everything be ok today.........." I whispered my prayer as I exited the elevator and up until my hand opened the door of the RE's office. As I sat taping the ultrasound and watched the screen, I felt concerned. Usually you can see the little flicker almost immediately at this point.......I was 9 weeks along. There was no flicker. And as hard as the doctor tried to find it----it wasn't there. Finally he just said "I'm sorry I don't have very good news." But without him telling me----sadly, I already knew. As he mumbled his sorries and "what to do next"......I just remember watching that screen wondering if this was some dream I was in. It couldn't be real. I just went through this in Feb!! I remember wanting to scream & cry at the same time, but my mind reverted to thinking of the couple who had yet to hear this heartbreaking news. I had to keep it together. Long enough to tell them that their baby had passed and that I am here for them through this.

STAGE 1- DENIAL
So I kind of already entered this stage thinking it was a dream and that there was no way it was happening. Well fast forward to my telling my IPs and a day or two later---I still was in denial. You can hear "I'm sorry for your loss.." a million times and it still NOT sink in. So, I moved into a new phase....

STAGE 2-ANGER
The end of January, I was with matched a different couple. That pregnancy ended the same way as this one---almost at the exact time frame. I was 9w5d and the pregnancy ended a week before. How can this be happening AGAIN! I was ANGRY! Angry that this pregnancy ended so early and my IPs will not be cuddling their little one in March. Angry that this occurred the same week as my tentative due date for the pregnancy that ended in January! I am just angry that again---I have to go through another D&C. But then again.....my mind goes back to what my IPs are going through right now and all these feelings of anger seem to fade...

STAGE 3-BARGAINING
Wednesday (Aug 22) was my appointment for pre-op. During that day, I was also going to have the final ultrasound before the procedure. Again, riding an elevator I started pleading with God "Lord, please let there be a "miracle" heartbeat. I promise to not complain during this pregnancy at all no matter what."... Here I am pleading....hoping, wishing, praying that two days passing would change the circumstances. Unfortunately.....It did not happen. So I moved on to the next step....

STAGE 4-DEPRESSION
I skipped this step......My sister, nieces and nephew, my children and my husband forced me to. When I found out the horrible news Monday, I immediately came home to my room and turned off all the lights and pulled the comforter over my head. I sought comfort in this dark place. It forced me NOT to face what happened that day. Forced me not to talk to anyone about it or hear about it. Almost immediately, my sister came into my bedroom and opened ALL the blinds pulled the covers off me and reminded me that although this is horrible news......I can't do my family any justice by being depressed. I agree. For my family's sake---I had to skip this phase.

STAGE 5-ACCEPTANCE
Today (Aug 23) at 7:50 am was the D&C procedure. It's now 3:44pm here and I am ok. I have come to accept the fact that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. As much as it hurts, we can't change what happened. All we can do is move forward knowing that the baby is in heaven watching over us and hope that one day he/she will help usher a brother or sister into this world for my IPs.


The hardest part of these last couple of days was telling my children. Talia is my little inquisitive child, while Korrey often proves to be perplex.

In attempting to explain to Korrey & Talia the loss of our couples baby, I told them he/she is in heaven and watching over us all. Talia then asked "How did he die?" Gosh! It took everything in me NOT to cry. Korrey told me that he'd heard me talking to someone about it and that he was sorry it happened. I then explained to them that we don't have an explanation yet as to why, but we will probably know later. That we don't ask those questions now because only God truly knows why. She then asked "Is [IP's name] sad? Can I make them a card so they can be happy?" Well, I guess that did it for me, because when I told her she could and she left the room to make one....I bawled like a baby. My children are growing up sooooo fast!

I am not sure what the future holds for us, but I do know that for those 9 weeks, I am proud that my IPs were given a joy that can never be forgotten.

So sad for my IPs.........

Today at the 9w u/s there was no heartbeat found for the baby. This pregnancy has ended. I feel a little helpless. Wishing there was something I could do to fix this......but the fact remains I can't. I will put forth that energy into focusing on what we will do next. Thanks to everyone for their support and I will update more later when I find words.

~*HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME!!!!*~

Today was a beautiful day!! I turned 26 YEARS YOUNG!!! As usual my phone began ringing at 12am with my family calling and singing the great tunes...LOL. For the day, it was just Korrey and I!! The kids were with family enjoying kid-time. We went to dinner and a movie and had a ball!!! One more year of celebrating life and blessings!

HAPPY BDAY TO ME!

~*7w2d and FIRST ultrasound*~

Trying hard to hold back tears, but the “soft-side” of me won’t let the tears stop falling. Today had to be one of those “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW” moments you will always remember when the year anniversary rolls around, one of those moments you know you want to have a camera with you just to capture the “realness” of it all, and finally one of those moments you are equally grateful to have been apart of.

Today my IPs arrived for our first appt with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to check the status of "operation baby". We were looking to see: how many and whether the heartbeat could be seen at this point.

As we arrived for lunch, my heart began to pound harder and harder and I had to BEG my husband to calm me down....LOL. The anticipation of the appointment mixed with seeing my IPs again and knowing that today would mark a day that would change their lives...........it was scary to say the least. I was a little nervous, in part, because a friend of mine who has a gift for seeing some things told me a little of what the days events would go like. #1 she warned me that someone would order a Chicken Salad and #2 that she wasn't sure if she saw two babies or one, but she was SURE she saw ONE heartbeat, so don't be worried if there are two babies, but one heartbeat. As we sat for lunch, my IM explained that they already scanned the menu and were ready to order. I asked what she was ordering.................Chicken Salad!! LOL. I could kind of tell we were all kind of nervous, except Korrey (my husband)...he is sooooooo laid back and talkative...LOL.

Once lunch was finished, we drove over for the sono appt. As we sat in the room waiting for the ultrasound tech to do what she does best, we all just watched the screen. Luckily Korrey was able to capture part of those moments on video (BEWARE: the room is a little dark, but you can hear everyone if you turn your speakers up)

Where did my food go?

Well, this morning was hard. When I woke up it was about 2am or so and it wasn't because I wanted to watch T.V. or play or the computer. Somehow my body gave in to morning sickness!!! Lately I have been just nauseous and depending on the smell, I might gag a bit, but this morning it was horrendous!!! I am just now feeling well enough to lie down and rest a bit and it is 12pm!!! At about 10am after about 6+ hours of horrid nausea and vomiting spells, I decided to hit the nearest Walmart for some stuff to help me out! Well.......off to bed I go!

Update

So, it looks like the u/s will be moved up to sooner than Aug 22!!! I can't wait to see the looks on my IPs faces when they see their baby for the first time!!! The countdown begins!

First u/s scheduled

I talked to my IM today and the first u/s has been scheduled and they are coming!!! YAY! I can't wait until then so that they can see their little one on the u/s screen. Due to their scheduling constraints the u/s will not be done until Aug 22 (9w3d).......WHAT?! LOL. How can you wait that LONG??!!! I guess we shall see!

Beta numbers!!!

Here are numbers for 11dp3dt pregnancies:

Singleton: 19, 20, 23, 23.4, 36, 39, 40.4, 48, 43, 45, 51, 61, 69.57, 71, 77, 77, 95.7, 98, 99, 107, 121, 123, 132, 132, 154, 199, 208, 329, 382

Twins: 40, 67, 69, 90, 102, 142, 149, 157, 163, 171, 173, 187, 209, 216, 275, 288, 293, 333, 352, 354, 461


Our number was 211!! My IPs are EXPECTING!!!

It's been long enough........(TRANSFER STORY)

TRANSFER STORY

We had been preparing for a transfer date of Saturday, 07-07-07 (5 day transfer), knowing full-well that it was possible to also transfer on Thursday, July 5. The thaw of 8 embryos began on Monday, July 2. By Day 1, there were 4 embryos left and all of them were looking good. By Day 2, there were still 4 embryos left, but one did not look so good. I was then given a call that afternoon to tell me that there was a 90% chance that we would transfer the next day, making it a 3 day transfer. I immediately went into “transfer mode”……laying out my good luck charms and eating my good luck pineapples. I had already received my transfer tee and was ready to put it on for the next morning!!

The night before the tentative transfer was hard. It was very hard to sleep knowing that tomorrow was totally out of our hands. I was given a time to be there of 11:30 and was very happy that my husband would be joining me for this transfer (he’d never gone before to the previous two). Morning came as fast as night fell and I remember looking at the clock and telling my DH to get up and get moving. I made sure he fell into the "superstition" and wore GREEN...LOL We left the house and arrived at the hospital for the transfer (TOO early, might I add) and left to get breakfast. This morning, breakfast tasted different. It was almost like a “victory-breakfast” for me. I knew that in just a short couple of hours, my IPs sweet little embabies would be snug in my womb preparing for the next 8+ (not 9…get it right!) months. My husband downed his breakfast and we both chatted about what was to come.

We waited for the clock time to pass and as you well know, if you look at the clock it will only go slower.

Finally, we were given the ok to go back and prep for the transfer! I was sooooooo excited and scared and happy all at the same time! Before we were taken back, we were given a picture of the embryos and told that they both were 10-celled (3-day) embryos and that one of them was grade 1, while the other was grade 2.

The transfer went great! I was very relaxed (even though I did not take my valium pill) and was very calm about everything. It was very relaxing to have my husband there also as he was very curious (and asking questions....shhhhh!! LOL)

This picture was before the transfer

And this is me after

I also had my DH take a picture of the clock to let me know EXACTLY when a full day was over (for testing purposes...LOL)

After the transfer, we went back to the hotel where we met my bestest surrobud, Raine! She was very nurturing and fun!! We ate and ate til we almost burst...LOL.

Things were looking up and I was dosing off!
Superstitious fries

beautiful arrangement my IPs sent

me and my honey

PART II-HPT-itis

Of course, I knew I would be POAS. I said that from day ONE and I had 180+ tests to help me with that addiction! My first test after transfer was on 1dp3dt. I “knew” it would be negative, so there was definitely NO disappointment there! I decided (or maybe my husband decided FOR me…LOL) to wait until 3.5dp3dt to try testing again. A little after 8am, the test was negative, so I just chalked it up to being too early! No biggie, still plenty of time to get a beautiful positive. Besides, this was a FET (frozen embryo transfer) and it seemed almost norm to get a positive later with those. Well, the pee sticks kept staring BACK at me and asking me to use them, so I obliged later that day at 4.5dp3dt. The test looked negative after a couple of minutes, so I put it in my baggie stash and decided to wait til 5.5dp3dt to test again. It was STILL EARLY!!! So, the next day at 5.5dp3dt----------I tested. I waited for the test to reveal to me what I already knew it would (a negative), but to my surprise------it did JUST the opposite!! And I am not talking a faint, faint line you have to hold up to the light, shift positions, and take apart to see. THERE WAS really a positive there!! So, something prompted me to open my POAS baggie (with old tests) and see if the one from yesterday was still the same. LOW and BEHOLD, that test was a very faint positive! WTH? That means that at 4.5dp3dt with 2 frozen embies, I was getting a POSITIVE…..faint-----but the line was THERE! At this time I was probably panicking a little more than I should have. I mean, I converted the numbers and that was equivalent to 2.5dp5dt! Is that even possible?! I must admit that at first I was VERYYYYYYYYYY skeptical. Then I thought back to the tests I’d used. OSOMs don’t get EVAP lines. So, I decided to test other tests. I looked back at the expired tests I’d peed on that morning and they were faint positives too! I was on a roll!! But then I thought about a post a friend made about running the test under tap water and getting a positive. SO, I did and-------it was! LOL. A very faint line was there. But the flip side was, I was not getting positives on it until 5.5dp3dt. So I continued to use them and watch the line get subsequently darker with each testing. I even tested out a cute little FRED and got a faint line there too! It was addicting as I thought it would be, but I did not think that I would get positives this early! Finally on 6.5dp3dt, I took a digital and it told me what the others already did----PREGNANT! Today is 8dp3dt and I will no longer test until Monday morning (beta day) just to see the line darker. Just a side note……..180+ tests are definitely TOO MANY! I think I went through less than half of that and still have tons left. I guess it’s time to give them away! LOL
progression of OSOM tests getting darker

5.5dp3dt OSOM

Wondfo progression pics

all the positive tests

the positive Digital

me holding the digital

Part III- Breaking the news

I wanted to do something VERY special. Something that will leave an everlasting “imprint” in their minds about their experience and how they were told/found out. I thought back to the fact, as a woman, no matter how LONG ago----you remember the MOMENT you were told or FOUND OUT you were pregnant. I wanted to bring the same element to this surprise. I wanted it to be more than a phone call from the RE with the beta results---soooooo much more. SO, I sat for a minute a brainstormed about ideas of HOW to break the news to my IPs. I figured I would surprise my IM first and give her the opportunity to do what she wanted to tell my IF. I wanted her to have some control over the announcement for her husband. SO finally I got the greatest idea and I consulted a few people to help me figure it out. My IM works very hard and I knew that when she found out she would be at work, so I decided to include her assistant in the “surprise”. I called her office and funny enough…..EVERY time I called----she answered! I mean for 2 days, I was calling making up excuses WHY I was calling…….LOL. “Oh, I’m sorry---I dialed the wrong number. I was trying to call my mother” –or- “Just checking to see if you talked to the RE about the beta and if they would call you or me first…” –or- once, I had my little sister grab the phone and say “did someone call L---?” she was pretending as if the number was on the caller id and she was wondering who it was…..it was HORRIBLE! So finally I called on day 2 and the assistant picked up! I was estatic! I explained the details of the surprise and she was ALL FOR IT! Could things go that perfectly? OK, so here are the details:

I decided to have an “office treasure-hunt” done. She would participate thinking that it was “office-related”, not knowing that it was about her. The treasure hunt consists of 3 clues….

Clue 1# The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup!
CLUE #1 would be “the coffee pot”, where clue #2 would lie

Clue #2: All employees should wash hands before returning to work.
CLUE#2 would be “the sink”, where clue #3 would lie

Clue #3: Your workspace should always reflect who YOU are.
CLUE#3 would be “her desk” where THE BOX would be sitting.

On her desk would sit the box with a couple of things in it.

#1- a heartfelt card that says a lot!! The envelope says: YOU ARE A MOMMY!

#2 is a Willow Tree keepsake box with the positive HPT enclosed

#3 is a cute bear (found at Hallmark) that has a shirt that says “BABY ON BOARD”

Here is a pic of all the stuff together. I also included a book that is titled “Mom Moments”

So, today at about 2:30 pm, my IM found out that they are EXPECTING!!! When I spoke with her on the phone AFTER she completed the treasure hunt clues, she was almost speechless. One thing I remember her saying is that she needed instructions to read the OSOM pregnancy test. That put everything into perspective of how special this WAS for her. This was her first REAL live positive pregnancy test and without HER/HER DH it would not have been possible! I love miracles!

GO to sleep!!

My sleeping schedule is ALL thrown off! Since my sister and her kids have been staying with me, my pattern has been thrown all out of whack! I try to make it to bed by 9pm, but it seems by that time I get this amazing surge of energy and can't close my eyes. My husband has been of no assistance either, as he wants me to stay up every night with him and watch movies!! I start watching the movie and like clock work, every night, about 30 minutes into the movie, my eyes begin to get heavy and I just doze off....LOL. Here it is....now 1:35 am, and I am still AWAKE!! I have an appointment in the morning and I have to leave here by 8!!! What am I thinking? I guess I will update more about my surrogacy process tomorrow after the appointment. Right now, I need to get my butt in the bed!!! SEE YA!

It's not just OJ!!!

I woke up this morning for my usual breakfast and to my suprise my orange juice EVEN revealed a GREAT sign to me!! The BEST BY date is the same as my transfer date!! Most people would look at the date and just chalk it off to being "just OJ".......for me....it was more than that!! It was my one of MANY signs that date is the DATE to get preggo!! Ok, YES I took a picture!! LOL

Trip to the Barber Shop....

Today we took my nephew and son to the barber shop to get a hair cut. Unlike my normal trip to the Barber Shop, this time we had 5 children in tow! My son was ok with the haircut, but not too thrilled about the wait!!! LOL. While we waited for them to get their hair cut (which was about 3 hours), I took some funny pics of the kids waiting.

The new WHIP!!

Today I went and accepted delivery of my new 2007 Honda Civic!! I soooo love the interior and ride!! It gets about 30 miles in town and 40 mpg on the highway!! We are sooo happy!!

Happy days are here again!!

So, this morning I took my final Provera pill and went to the car dealership with my husband to pick out the vehicle of our choice. We arrived home around noon and AF arrived as I walked in the house!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! We are one step closer to our transfer!! I am sitting here antsy waiting for the nurse to call my for my first u/s (probably Friday). Looks like our transfer should be on or around July 2!!!

Ode to Focus............

Today I went to collect the last of my things from my car that was totaled in the accident. It was hard opening the door and getting all my stuff out, but I know that it was not salvageable. I try to remain positive about the turn of events with everything and it still feels like the ceiling is falling in on me and I can not seem to find cover fast enough. Growing up, my mother always told us that everything happens for a reason and that when everything comes at you ALL at once, remember........there is a BLESSING coming! Below is the last picture of the car before the insurance company OWNS it!!!

canceled...

Today I received a phone call from the Nurse Coordinator at the clinic telling me that the transfer was canceled. We are moving forward and preparing for a transfer for the first week of July.

One stick closer!!

Today was my first PIO (progesterone in oil) shot! No matter how many times you do it (every cycle), the first shot is the SCARIEST!!! I have (and always will) administer my own shots from the first time I did started doing them. I literally have to stand in front of the mirror and talk myself into calming down before relaxing. It's a fun "episode" to watch. After the first shot, every shot following gets easier. I have a little voice in my head saying "One step closer to making them (my IPs) parents" and it gets me through it.

Today my voice told me that the 10 minutes it would take me to get through that shot could NEVER compare to the years my IPs have endured without a baby.........so I just pushed through it----and each night will be easier. For the 12 weeks or so that I will have to give myself the shot, I will be ok. Face it............I could have been years without having my own children and had more to pain to endure, so for that, I am grateful and ONE stick closer to building a family!

Addicted to HPTs!

Here we are days away from the transfer and I am STOCKING up!! This transfer will be different, because my IPs don't want to have the results of my PEE-fest, so this time around I will have to keep it ALLLLL to myself!! What TORTURE!

Acupuncture Appt #2

This appt was different from the first, because I had the "JOY" of taking Talia & Korrey along. LOL. All of a sudden while laying on my stomach, I hear a snapping sound! Korrey went into my purse and began to snap pictures of me laying down!! LOL Here is one from his collection

The countdown begins....

I had an appt today for my final lining check to ensure that my lining is plump and ready for the transfer. Ideally, most REs want your lining to be at least a 7 before transfer. Today mine was a 13.3! Usually around this time it is between 9-10. GO LINING GO! I guess my lining is performing well in order to cuddle one or two of those beautiful babies for my IPs!!! Can't wait til next week when the babies are ready for us!!! YAYYY!!!!!! Only 4 more days before I start my shots!

The END of my great visit with mom!

Today was my mother's last day here. I had soo much fun with her being here and taking my mind off EVERYTHING and just relaxing! I can't wait until her next visit here because she gives me a CALMMMMM that I need right now! LOL. LOVE YA MAMA!!

~*National Seat Belt Week*~

The week of May 21-28 is National Buckle Up America! EVERYONE is encouraged to wear their seat belts in recognition of this time (should ALWAYS wear one anyway!).

I was ONE of those people wearing mine this week and it could have very well saved my life. Yesterday (5/25) I was in a car accident. The driver in the opposite car, in an attempt to speed in front of me, caused the collision. His car and mine had to be towed, because they both could not be driven. Below are pics of the the mark the seatbelt made on my neck. The first is the day of the accident and the second one is today (the next day). SEAT BELTS save lives people! (even if they bruise you a bit)

Happy Birthday MOM!

My mother has arrived for her weekend visit with us!! Today is her 46th birthday and I am sooo happy that she could spend it with me! We first visited my brother's place (pictured above) and went to my house afterwards.
Mom stepping in and doing yard work on her DAY OFF!


Reading stories at night to Talia and Korrey.

This has really been the best visit seeing my mother interact with my children and my children enjoying time with their grandma!

A Perfect 10!

Today was my first lining check after starting estrogen and my lining was a 10! The RE's office wants the lining to be at least 8mm at this point and they said it looks great! I am sooo happy for my IPs!! I can't wait.........oh wait........I have to....LOL.

ACCU-PUNCH-HER!

Just as the title says is how I felt midway through the session.......like I wanted to PUNCH HER! LOL. After the stick the needles (pictured below) into your back, which does not hurt at all, they push them in further to find your "pressure points". Upon finding the pressure points, they attach wires to the needles (also pictured below) and the wires deliver a vibration that travels through the needles into your back.....a nice feeling, I might add! Upon removing the wires and needles, I was then given the massage, which felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!!! I would go back every week just for that part of the session!!

So as it stands, I have a lining check tomorrow and will continue accu-punch-her until the transfer! Can't wait until the next session........it's a very relaxing experience (at least the end of it)

Getting to the CORE of it all!

When it comes to IVF/surrogacy different people have their different "superstitions". Mine happens to be one of my favorite fruits~ PINEAPPLE!! (pictured above) It is also rumored that the CORE of the pineapple contains enzymes that aid in embryo implantation. Simply great in my eyes..........even though it is "superstition", i get to endulge in one of my fav foods and have an EXUSE to do so!!! LOL. Now...........off to getting to the CORE!

~*One step closer!*~

Received an email today from my IF that we are one step closer to operation Baby *Tinker* (Tinker, if a boy/Tinkerbell, if a girl). Our gestational surrogate agreement was VALIDATED today!!! I am sooooooo happy!! With my previous arrangement, this step was not done until AFTER the pregnancy was established. Some attorneys eliminate this step prior to the transfer and some wait until after the pregnancy has been established to do so. There are pros and cons to both:

-AFTER-
pro: save financially on the cost of legal fees in the event the match is unsuccessful and no baby results from it.

con: during the journey an array of things could happen to prevent a timely filing -or- employing an attorney that drags feet about the whole process.

-BEFORE-
pro: less worry during the journey about taking care of this step because it is already taking care of

con: financially taking care of a step that could not be utilized

Either way, it really depends on the parties and their comfort level regarding how to go about handling this step. In this case, my IPs wanted to take care of it as soon as possible (less stress about it later) and I was happy to help in any way that I could! One step closer to my IPs welcoming a baby into their loving arms!!

XOXOXOXOX

Progress is *ALWAYS* good!

So far everything has been going according to planned and we are getting VERY close to the big day!! (haha....you'll never know!) The testing done last week went great and the RE said that everything looks "beautiful"!! My IPs are very estatic and are beginning to get even more "giddy" about it all. On Thursday, I received the sweetest bouquet of flowers from them that said "Thanks for Everything.....we are sooo excited!!!" It was a really nice touch! I feel like i have sooo much to say, but that I really can not begin to put it in words! Hopefully, February of next year, my IPs will be welcoming a new addition to their family!! Send those (((BABY VIBES)))

XOXOXOXOXO

Just a small update

Everything is going great!! I have a couple of interviews with a couple of law firms in the area and I am just over excited about what the week will be like next week!

On the surrogacy front, we have our first appointment scheduled and we will be doing a FET (frozen embryo transfer). Surely, not to disappoint----suspense IS still my middle name. I will update again regarding the progress probably after the FET is already done.........who knows?? Stay tuned, you may just get a sneak peek!!! LOL

My heart skipped a beat!

There are some events in life that we experience,
which cause our hearts to either race or skip a beat.
A couple that stands out for me are:

Dec 28, 1999-The first day I met my soon-to-be husband.
At the time,he was the mail room clerk for my new unit
in Germany. I was greeted by this statuesque of a soldier
who bore a kool-aid smile and a newly shaved head. I
remember looking into his eyes and bearing witness to
a feeling I believe I would later calculate as
"love at first sight". My heart beat a little faster
and then as if a natural response to
those feelings--it skipped!!

THUMP, THUMP..........THUMP!

The second event that stands out would be July 22, 2001,
the birth of my first born. Looking down at such an
innocent being and realizing that just two seconds before
I'D pushed him into this world as MY BABY BOY---
oh the feeling! Even with the remnants of what
I would refer to as his temporary house for 9 months
still freshly on parts of him, he still looked and smelled
like pure heaven to me. As he lay in my arms and I attempted
to coax him to my breast, my husband whispered his name.  
As if he'd by instinct remembered the voice from when
he was inside the womb listening to bedtime stories,
or his father singing "ready for baby" songs,
he opened his eyes and turned his head to find the voice.
At THAT moment---my heart skipped a beat!!

THUMP, THUMP..........THUMP!

October 10, 2003-Fast forward to 2+ years later and
I am yet again holding ANOTHER beautiful baby of mine!
She lay in my arms quiet and oblivious to HOW special 
she was. My mother witnessed the very moment she entered
this world and was able to cut the cord
(my husband missed the birth by 3-5 minutes). Looking at
my daughter in the arms of the woman who birthed me
into this world caused my heart to skip a beat...maybe two!

THUMP, THUMP..........THUMP!

August 9, 2006- This moment was a moment that still
to this day causes me to pause and remember how many
amazing people had a hand in such an amazing event!
Moments after the birth of my surro-daughter and while
still literally in stir-ups, I turned to my right and
could just clearly see a mother and father enjoying
their little GIRL! Tears came naturally for me as
I watched a look in their eyes that I could NEVER forget.
That of gratefulness coupled with joy for many years to come
with a child ushered into this world through a joining of
love and trust of two families. At that very moment---
my heart began to race! It was a feeling of excitement,
knowing that the best was yet to come!
Baby J was finally here and
finally with her mommy and daddy!

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP!!!

Well as I look back at those moments,
I can say that they truly will continue to flood my mind
over the years as my children grow, marriage grows and I
continue to bear witness to the growth of Baby J.
They will truly stand out as
"unforgettable moments" in my life.
 
April 7, 2007- At about 11:20, my husband, my children and I
were greeted by a East Coast couple whom I will refer to as
Peter (like Peter Pan) & Wendy (will explain later).
When we walked into the hotel lobby to greet P&W,
I remember looking around the corner and seeing
her face light up as we turned the corner.  She stood
and walked towards me with a "cheezy" grin.
As we met, she embraced me. That moment---
MY heart skipped a beat!

THUMP, THUMP..........THUMP!

The day went off without a hitch! My children bonded with P&W,
as did my husband as I! I can't believe that I am 
MATCHED for yet another journey!! The best is YET to come!!!

Why Peter & Wendy--simply to keep their names private..LOL.
I could have used P&O (Popeye & Olive Oil),
but I told a friend she could.

SO NERVOUS!!!

It's only 3 days away and I am suddenly finding myself being a bundle of nerves! I talked to my husband yesterday about the EVENTS to come and he is just as excited as I am!!! Well-----I will keep everything on the hush UNTIL Sunday!! Then I will update with how everything goes!!!!

I was April FOOLed

My cell phone rings, I awake from my sleep to answer it. I glance at the caller id and notice a familiar number....

"Hello.......Hey Mama"

I grunt as I swing my legs over the bed.

"Tashia!! How do I get to your house from this bridge?"

she asks, her phone breaking a little between the pause.

"Mama!! Are you in TEXAS??!!!"

I jumped out of my bed--dressed as I came into this world, fumbling through my dresser to find something to mask my post-pregnancy body that over the past couple of weeks has began to shrink a bit.

"How do I get to your-----"

I cut her off, because I am literally in awe that my mom has hidden this from me. Hidden the fact that she would take it upon herself to drive 10 hours just to see me!!!

"Mama, are you really here?"

I asked, one leg in a pair of cotton candy colored Terry Shorts.

"Latashia---this bridge is----APRIL FOOL!!!"

My mouth dropped and so did my phone and hopes that---right outside my door would stand the woman who gave life to me, to whom it has been more than a year since I'd laid eyes on and gave the biggest hug to. I pause and say,

"That is one cruel joke!"

Ladies and gentlemen, I was FOOLED!

I WILL get there......

I am very gracious for this time in my life. I have reevaluated the people that I have chose to surround myself with and just life in GENERAL. This week has been a GREAT week! Talia went to daycare for the first time Monday and I have started my job search!!! I have been a SAHM/WAHM for about 3 years now and I sat back and realized that a majority of my schedule was consumed with online activity, ramblings about "clapping OUR hands and learning something new...."(Blue's Clues) or " "Bing bang diggiriggidong" (Lazytown)---oh, let's not forget " do-do-do-do-dora!" making us grab our backpack!!! LOL. Honestly I have found that my day is filled more with television and computer-time than is normal. These last couple of days have been very different for me. Rising at 6 am and hitting the pavement non-stop until the last munchkin is tightly nestled in her bed before starting this cycle all over again the next morning.....

Just to sum up my interaction with potential Intended Parents--things are great! I have a pretty great feeling that something will happen soon enough and while I wait, I hum the tune to a song by one of my fav Man Band(s)--Boyz II Men, entitled "I will get there"

I've been wanderin' 'round in the dark
Been lost somewhere where no light could shine on my heart
I have known a pain so deep
But I know my faith will free me
[Get there] And I'll get through this
[Get there] I'll find my way again
So don't tell me that it's over
'Cause each step just gets me closer
(I will get there) I will get there
(I will get there) I will get there somehow
Cross that river (Cross that river)
Nothing's stoppin' me now
I will get through the night (Oh, yes, I will)
And make it through to the other side
(Get there) Get there
(Get there) Get there

Who knows? Soon enough things will happen and I will look back at this waiting period as paving the way for my next great set of IP's!! In the meantime--in between time---I am enjoying my family and just being ME!!

Drama, Love, Relationships

Its about drama and love and 'lationships
and when the going gets tough you deal with it
and you dont ever, you never walk away from it
you hold on, you be strong
its about drama and trust and making it
if your somebody mess up you take it in
dont let nobody come between you, you just stay with them

OK, so what if the song was about LOVE..LOL. It almost feels proper for what I am going through.

"THE DRAMA"

Issues! Issues! Issues!! At one point, I would say that I was pretty "ok" about sharing attorneys with IPs. My last arrangement definitely threw me for a loop on that decision. Since the "break-up" there has been constant bickering back and forth regarding bills. NOW the attorney's office claims that they DO NOT handle these disputes. Well--my question is--what DO you handle? I guess any disputes arising out of the contract have to be mediated or mitigated through the legal system, depending on the amount of damages.

Oftentimes, I wonder how something so "perfect" could end in disaster. The ONLY theory I am able to derive from such a confusing instance is---"EVERYTHING happens for a reason". I am in the process of starting a new journey and I must admit that I have gone forth with much caution. I have often compared surrogacy arrangements to that of marriage. This phase, I would call "the messy divorce".

"THE LOVE"

My family has been nothing but supportive!! I am so happy and blessed to have a very supportive husband and children that understand.

"THE RELATIONSHIP"
When everything is great, the love is there----It's a real relationship that endures through it all.

~*What is a D-I-V-A?*~

A Diva is a woman who by all accounts is smart & talented.

According to American Hertiage Dictionary, a Diva is "an operatic prima donna."

Most would use the word "stuck-up" or "conceited" interchangeably when "reserved" and "confident" seem more fitting.

A diva can at times be bitchy and in the same breath revert to her sweet ole' self. A diva can be anything she wants at any given time, because---she CAN.

A diva has a personality that could fill any room she walks in. She just gives off that "vibe".

Every woman can not be a Diva, it's not possible.

Just a note to all---on August 15, 1981----a Diva was born!

She showed up today!

Many would wonder who "she" is, but if you are a surrogate, you can understand my excitement about my period being here.......LOL Yeh, it's merely insane to wish for a thing you curse once it's here, but it's "surro-nature".

Today marked the end of Spring Break for my son and the beginning of bliss for me!! Monday he will return to school as usual and I will return to loving my days of "relaxation". Lately, I have been pondering the idea of becoming a school teacher. Although, I would love to go back to the work force, I equally enjoy my time with my two angels and I know that teaching offers that flexibility--plus, I get to make a difference in the lives of young children. Teaching takes me back to the days of elementary. There were two teachers that influenced me that I would never forget. One of them died shortly after I went to the military, but the other (still alive) takes time out for me whenever I go home to visit. To know that one day I could do for someone what they did for me is a motivator for me.

This week was very slooowww. My whole family became ill with strep and the flu and we were out of commission until just recently. I am feeling alot better, but I still have a little of the "sniffles" left. Today I watched "Run's House" marathon and saw previews of the newer show to come on. I had NO idea that his wife, Justine had given birth in Sept '06 and that their baby girl died shortly after!!! THAT was really sad! From stories I read on the net, it was rumored that she was born with a rare condition where her insides were out. Very sad and I am very sad for that family.

How are things going for me on the surrogacy front? They are ok. I am VERY cautious, though. Alot of my surro-friends are saying "Take time to get to know them! You have to get to know them" Honestly, after my last experience I have learned that it could easily go either way. You could know someone for years and the relationship go to hell -OR- you could meet a family and develop a lifelong friendship. I guess I will take my chances with the latter. Reality is, I am doing this to help complete a family. A relationship after for me is a bonus. Although I know that having one after COULD happen, I also know that it COULD NOT. As long as my husband is on board and honestly gives me his views, I am ok with moving forward right now.

One thing I have noticed a lot with matching is the anxious feeling. The "let's get it on" and no, not like Marvin Gaye--feeling for all parties involved. I think that only time will tell what will happen and I am all for that. I am all for being a vessel once again to helping a family's dreams come true.

Well, the pizza man is here and I have to run!

~LA

A new day!

SOOOOOOOOO much has happened since the I had my blog made private and it would take days, maybe weeks to even update about it, so I will just give a brief opening to this new blog-----I am back and looking for new IPs! I am however talking to some PIPs, but nothing is written in stone yet. We shall see where the wind takes me over these next couple of weeks.....

It's pretty late here, so I am signing off, but I will update more later.

**DIVA-licious!!