Standing still.

My hands keep getting stuck. I can't find the words for what I am feeling right now. No name for my state of mind. I want to say so much, but nothing comes out. How do I convey what I want to say without sounding crazy at the same time? I can't----it's not possible.

Of course I have blamed myself, my body, and everything that you could possibly fathom. Yesterday I had an ultrasound 1 week post D&C. The RE said that everything looked "perfect". Coming out of the same mouth that I'd heard so many times before, it didn't sound the same. He commented on my lining and I assure you---this time felt different. How can everything LOOK so good and yet go so wrong? I've tried to replay that moment in my mind over and I just can't seem to bring myself to see any true answer why.

My status right now is at a stand still. No answer as to where we go from here until the testing comes back on the fetus. I hope my IPs get answers through this testing. The RE also ordered additional testing on me. One test had to do with clotting (anti-coagulant), while the other had something to do with Lupus. Through research, I saw that one of the symptoms of Lupus was spontaneous abortions. I will worry myself sick if I try to read everything on this disease. I just pray it is not the case with me.

Oh well-----time will pass and soon we will know SOMETHING.......As of now....we are at a stand still.

My 5 Stages of Grief & the D&C update

On Monday (Aug 20) when I went in for the ultrasound, I remember saying a little prayer in the elevator. "Please Dear Lord let everything be ok today.........." I whispered my prayer as I exited the elevator and up until my hand opened the door of the RE's office. As I sat taping the ultrasound and watched the screen, I felt concerned. Usually you can see the little flicker almost immediately at this point.......I was 9 weeks along. There was no flicker. And as hard as the doctor tried to find it----it wasn't there. Finally he just said "I'm sorry I don't have very good news." But without him telling me----sadly, I already knew. As he mumbled his sorries and "what to do next"......I just remember watching that screen wondering if this was some dream I was in. It couldn't be real. I just went through this in Feb!! I remember wanting to scream & cry at the same time, but my mind reverted to thinking of the couple who had yet to hear this heartbreaking news. I had to keep it together. Long enough to tell them that their baby had passed and that I am here for them through this.

STAGE 1- DENIAL
So I kind of already entered this stage thinking it was a dream and that there was no way it was happening. Well fast forward to my telling my IPs and a day or two later---I still was in denial. You can hear "I'm sorry for your loss.." a million times and it still NOT sink in. So, I moved into a new phase....

STAGE 2-ANGER
The end of January, I was with matched a different couple. That pregnancy ended the same way as this one---almost at the exact time frame. I was 9w5d and the pregnancy ended a week before. How can this be happening AGAIN! I was ANGRY! Angry that this pregnancy ended so early and my IPs will not be cuddling their little one in March. Angry that this occurred the same week as my tentative due date for the pregnancy that ended in January! I am just angry that again---I have to go through another D&C. But then again.....my mind goes back to what my IPs are going through right now and all these feelings of anger seem to fade...

STAGE 3-BARGAINING
Wednesday (Aug 22) was my appointment for pre-op. During that day, I was also going to have the final ultrasound before the procedure. Again, riding an elevator I started pleading with God "Lord, please let there be a "miracle" heartbeat. I promise to not complain during this pregnancy at all no matter what."... Here I am pleading....hoping, wishing, praying that two days passing would change the circumstances. Unfortunately.....It did not happen. So I moved on to the next step....

STAGE 4-DEPRESSION
I skipped this step......My sister, nieces and nephew, my children and my husband forced me to. When I found out the horrible news Monday, I immediately came home to my room and turned off all the lights and pulled the comforter over my head. I sought comfort in this dark place. It forced me NOT to face what happened that day. Forced me not to talk to anyone about it or hear about it. Almost immediately, my sister came into my bedroom and opened ALL the blinds pulled the covers off me and reminded me that although this is horrible news......I can't do my family any justice by being depressed. I agree. For my family's sake---I had to skip this phase.

STAGE 5-ACCEPTANCE
Today (Aug 23) at 7:50 am was the D&C procedure. It's now 3:44pm here and I am ok. I have come to accept the fact that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. As much as it hurts, we can't change what happened. All we can do is move forward knowing that the baby is in heaven watching over us and hope that one day he/she will help usher a brother or sister into this world for my IPs.


The hardest part of these last couple of days was telling my children. Talia is my little inquisitive child, while Korrey often proves to be perplex.

In attempting to explain to Korrey & Talia the loss of our couples baby, I told them he/she is in heaven and watching over us all. Talia then asked "How did he die?" Gosh! It took everything in me NOT to cry. Korrey told me that he'd heard me talking to someone about it and that he was sorry it happened. I then explained to them that we don't have an explanation yet as to why, but we will probably know later. That we don't ask those questions now because only God truly knows why. She then asked "Is [IP's name] sad? Can I make them a card so they can be happy?" Well, I guess that did it for me, because when I told her she could and she left the room to make one....I bawled like a baby. My children are growing up sooooo fast!

I am not sure what the future holds for us, but I do know that for those 9 weeks, I am proud that my IPs were given a joy that can never be forgotten.

So sad for my IPs.........

Today at the 9w u/s there was no heartbeat found for the baby. This pregnancy has ended. I feel a little helpless. Wishing there was something I could do to fix this......but the fact remains I can't. I will put forth that energy into focusing on what we will do next. Thanks to everyone for their support and I will update more later when I find words.

~*HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME!!!!*~

Today was a beautiful day!! I turned 26 YEARS YOUNG!!! As usual my phone began ringing at 12am with my family calling and singing the great tunes...LOL. For the day, it was just Korrey and I!! The kids were with family enjoying kid-time. We went to dinner and a movie and had a ball!!! One more year of celebrating life and blessings!

HAPPY BDAY TO ME!

~*7w2d and FIRST ultrasound*~

Trying hard to hold back tears, but the “soft-side” of me won’t let the tears stop falling. Today had to be one of those “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW” moments you will always remember when the year anniversary rolls around, one of those moments you know you want to have a camera with you just to capture the “realness” of it all, and finally one of those moments you are equally grateful to have been apart of.

Today my IPs arrived for our first appt with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to check the status of "operation baby". We were looking to see: how many and whether the heartbeat could be seen at this point.

As we arrived for lunch, my heart began to pound harder and harder and I had to BEG my husband to calm me down....LOL. The anticipation of the appointment mixed with seeing my IPs again and knowing that today would mark a day that would change their lives...........it was scary to say the least. I was a little nervous, in part, because a friend of mine who has a gift for seeing some things told me a little of what the days events would go like. #1 she warned me that someone would order a Chicken Salad and #2 that she wasn't sure if she saw two babies or one, but she was SURE she saw ONE heartbeat, so don't be worried if there are two babies, but one heartbeat. As we sat for lunch, my IM explained that they already scanned the menu and were ready to order. I asked what she was ordering.................Chicken Salad!! LOL. I could kind of tell we were all kind of nervous, except Korrey (my husband)...he is sooooooo laid back and talkative...LOL.

Once lunch was finished, we drove over for the sono appt. As we sat in the room waiting for the ultrasound tech to do what she does best, we all just watched the screen. Luckily Korrey was able to capture part of those moments on video (BEWARE: the room is a little dark, but you can hear everyone if you turn your speakers up)

Where did my food go?

Well, this morning was hard. When I woke up it was about 2am or so and it wasn't because I wanted to watch T.V. or play or the computer. Somehow my body gave in to morning sickness!!! Lately I have been just nauseous and depending on the smell, I might gag a bit, but this morning it was horrendous!!! I am just now feeling well enough to lie down and rest a bit and it is 12pm!!! At about 10am after about 6+ hours of horrid nausea and vomiting spells, I decided to hit the nearest Walmart for some stuff to help me out! Well.......off to bed I go!

Update

So, it looks like the u/s will be moved up to sooner than Aug 22!!! I can't wait to see the looks on my IPs faces when they see their baby for the first time!!! The countdown begins!