Thursday, August 23, 2007
My 5 Stages of Grief & the D&C update
On Monday (Aug 20) when I went in for the ultrasound, I remember saying a little prayer in the elevator. "Please Dear Lord let everything be ok today.........." I whispered my prayer as I exited the elevator and up until my hand opened the door of the RE's office. As I sat taping the ultrasound and watched the screen, I felt concerned. Usually you can see the little flicker almost immediately at this point.......I was 9 weeks along. There was no flicker. And as hard as the doctor tried to find it----it wasn't there. Finally he just said "I'm sorry I don't have very good news." But without him telling me----sadly, I already knew. As he mumbled his sorries and "what to do next"......I just remember watching that screen wondering if this was some dream I was in. It couldn't be real. I just went through this in Feb!! I remember wanting to scream & cry at the same time, but my mind reverted to thinking of the couple who had yet to hear this heartbreaking news. I had to keep it together. Long enough to tell them that their baby had passed and that I am here for them through this.
STAGE 1- DENIAL
So I kind of already entered this stage thinking it was a dream and that there was no way it was happening. Well fast forward to my telling my IPs and a day or two later---I still was in denial. You can hear "I'm sorry for your loss.." a million times and it still NOT sink in. So, I moved into a new phase....
The end of January, I was with matched a different couple. That pregnancy ended the same way as this one---almost at the exact time frame. I was 9w5d and the pregnancy ended a week before. How can this be happening AGAIN! I was ANGRY! Angry that this pregnancy ended so early and my IPs will not be cuddling their little one in March. Angry that this occurred the same week as my tentative due date for the pregnancy that ended in January! I am just angry that again---I have to go through another D&C. But then again.....my mind goes back to what my IPs are going through right now and all these feelings of anger seem to fade...
Wednesday (Aug 22) was my appointment for pre-op. During that day, I was also going to have the final ultrasound before the procedure. Again, riding an elevator I started pleading with God "Lord, please let there be a "miracle" heartbeat. I promise to not complain during this pregnancy at all no matter what."... Here I am pleading....hoping, wishing, praying that two days passing would change the circumstances. Unfortunately.....It did not happen. So I moved on to the next step....
I skipped this step......My sister, nieces and nephew, my children and my husband forced me to. When I found out the horrible news Monday, I immediately came home to my room and turned off all the lights and pulled the comforter over my head. I sought comfort in this dark place. It forced me NOT to face what happened that day. Forced me not to talk to anyone about it or hear about it. Almost immediately, my sister came into my bedroom and opened ALL the blinds pulled the covers off me and reminded me that although this is horrible news......I can't do my family any justice by being depressed. I agree. For my family's sake---I had to skip this phase.
Today (Aug 23) at 7:50 am was the D&C procedure. It's now 3:44pm here and I am ok. I have come to accept the fact that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. As much as it hurts, we can't change what happened. All we can do is move forward knowing that the baby is in heaven watching over us and hope that one day he/she will help usher a brother or sister into this world for my IPs.
The hardest part of these last couple of days was telling my children. Talia is my little inquisitive child, while Korrey often proves to be perplex.
In attempting to explain to Korrey & Talia the loss of our couples baby, I told them he/she is in heaven and watching over us all. Talia then asked "How did he die?" Gosh! It took everything in me NOT to cry. Korrey told me that he'd heard me talking to someone about it and that he was sorry it happened. I then explained to them that we don't have an explanation yet as to why, but we will probably know later. That we don't ask those questions now because only God truly knows why. She then asked "Is [IP's name] sad? Can I make them a card so they can be happy?" Well, I guess that did it for me, because when I told her she could and she left the room to make one....I bawled like a baby. My children are growing up sooooo fast!
I am not sure what the future holds for us, but I do know that for those 9 weeks, I am proud that my IPs were given a joy that can never be forgotten.