Friday, August 31, 2007

Standing still.

My hands keep getting stuck. I can't find the words for what I am feeling right now. No name for my state of mind. I want to say so much, but nothing comes out. How do I convey what I want to say without sounding crazy at the same time? I can't----it's not possible.

Of course I have blamed myself, my body, and everything that you could possibly fathom. Yesterday I had an ultrasound 1 week post D&C. The RE said that everything looked "perfect". Coming out of the same mouth that I'd heard so many times before, it didn't sound the same. He commented on my lining and I assure you---this time felt different. How can everything LOOK so good and yet go so wrong? I've tried to replay that moment in my mind over and I just can't seem to bring myself to see any true answer why.

My status right now is at a stand still. No answer as to where we go from here until the testing comes back on the fetus. I hope my IPs get answers through this testing. The RE also ordered additional testing on me. One test had to do with clotting (anti-coagulant), while the other had something to do with Lupus. Through research, I saw that one of the symptoms of Lupus was spontaneous abortions. I will worry myself sick if I try to read everything on this disease. I just pray it is not the case with me.

Oh well-----time will pass and soon we will know SOMETHING.......As of now....we are at a stand still.

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